Your Breakfast Is Problematic – 5 Ways to Fix It

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You read that correctly. Your bacon is problematic and your breakfast is an example of institutionalized racism and homophobia.

I know the safe space right has trouble comprehending any argument that may challenge their worldview, so let me say it a bit louder for all the bigots in the back:  

1. Milk

The Problem: If you aren’t aware it is 2017, not the early 1900s. Unfortunately bigots and white supremacists don’t understand this. Mic was one of the first sane voices to out milk drinkers for what they really are. White supremacists. “Some white supremacists think white ethnic identity has a geographic, and historical correlation with the body’s tolerance for milk — specifically, the production of the lactase enzyme that allows humans to break down lactose.” They are so confident in their blatant white supremacy they even embraced this symbolism on camera at Shia Lebouf’s “He Will Not Divide Us” art project. This project single handedly reduced racism, gang violence, and radical Islamic terrorism by simply pointing a camera at society, holding it accountable for its actions. I’m not quite sure why any real American would target such a successful anti-hate campaign

The Solution: Instead of drinking milk with your breakfast, try a cup of frappuccino or a latte. Personally I would recommend Starbucks. Their recent move to hire a bunch of refugees is a blatant slap in the face to white supremacy and traditionalist hate mongers. Nothing gives a middle finger to Nazis like replacing them with cheap labor!

2. Orange Juice

The Problem: Did you know Anita Bryant once used the orange juice lobby in Florida to fight against LGBTTQQIAAP rights? Believe it or not she wielded her national profile to make orange juice the symbol for a “wholesome Christian family.” Why would you support this ancient relic of sexual oppression? We need to take up arms against the bigoted image presented by orange juice.

The Solution: Switch your morning juice necessity to concentrated lemon water. Lemons provide plenty of benefits, including detox and nutrients, while also being just as sour as we are over the fact cisgendered white folk can’t handle social constructs like the idea of “the American family”, being torn down.

3. Toast

The Problem: This one is not as straightforward as the previous two. Toast may not be inherently racist, but the way it is toasted certainly can be, according to an Asian University of Madison student. Toast is a very subtle way to push racism. A slightly over toasted slice could signify a warning while a burnt slice could basically signify “YOU’RE NOT WELCOME!”

The Solution: Eat a bagel instead of toast. Bagels symbolize Jewish resistance to antisemitism. For added bonus, when you see a cis white male drinking milk, make sure he notices you gorging yourself on a bagel. That way he can feel guilty for propping up racism and antisemitism, while you fight them. 

4. Eggs

The Problem: Eating eggs in and of itself is not a problem. With that said, one must understand the ingredient is not absolved of racist or classist guilt simply because it has no direct ties to social oppression. Eggs have increasingly become a staple of the paleo diet. This is a problem mainly because the Paleo diet’s main intention is to inflate the price of healthy foods so that only well off whites can afford them while low income minorities can’t. Low income minorities don’t have the luxury of affording “$5 dollar dozens of eggs” etc. Sorry, but the fact you can eat free range eggs as often as you do, makes you a classist, and a racist

The Solution: Cut free range eggs out of your diet. The fact that white supremacists think that simply not feeding their chickens GMO grain puts them out of the minority’s price range is despicable. If you want to hit them where it hurts, stop putting dollars in their racist wallet.

5. BACON

THE BIGGEST PROBLEM: It doesn’t take much to realize why this is highly problematic. Pork is forbidden in Islam, the world’s largest and fastest growing religion. Just google “bacon racism” and see how many headlines pop up where this piece of the white man’s breakfast has been used to oppress Muslims around the globe. Simply touching bacon products, much less consuming them, can mean bad things for Muslims. According to Pew Research, the world’s Muslim population will increase by 70% by 2060. The eradication of white, western majorities means that the prevalence of pork is outdated and wrong. Lets get rid of it.

The Solution: This will be a very hard pill for white folk to swallow, but it has to be done. You have to stop eating bacon. Bacon even existing in the first place is problematic, even more so because it is so prevalent in White American society. Its existence alone can alienate Muslims and provide the opportunity for covert racism. We as a people must stop the production and consumption of bacon to appease the Muslim community. It is the least we can do after multiple Crusades and the 21st century wars in the Middle East don’t you think?