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College “Safe Space” Moved to Local School Due to Lack of Funding

Due to increasingly low enrollment, Siena College in Loudonville, NY, was forced to move its “safe space” to a local school.

The “safe space,” which protected students from opposing viewpoints, facts, and anything of academic merit, is being relocated to Kiddie Academy daycare in Latham.

“I dated this chick from RPI — and she like had actual work. I couldn’t have her around my friends for too long, because like, they’d get so triggered when she mentioned things like engineering and schoolwork and how she stayed up all night to barely pass exams, because that’s hard and hurts everyone’s feelings. She dumped me and now I have nowhere to go,” says sophomore Computational Media major Andrew Mackenzie.

The 20-year-old had to leave for the new safe space because news is his “trigger.”

The safe space is complete with coloring books, nap pods, and children’s movies. However, many students complained about the triggering content of the movies, so all movies have been replaced with a 10-hour recording of the words “safe space.”

The safe space initiative is campus-wide, and Siena will remove all courses next fall to avoid triggering any incoming freshmen, and majors will be removed in the spring. Instead, students will stay in the daycare for four years and receive a blank piece of paper certifying their completion. The term “graduation” is banned due to its sexist connotations.